Where do I go from here?

This really isn't a blog for people to read and enjoy.  These are actually letters that I write to God (even though I don't address Him.)  This is more of a journal of my heart crying out to Him when I don't feel like I can speak to Him directly because I am such a wretched sinner.  

It has been one of the hardest weeks.  I have had a part time job that enabled me to stay home with my kids...and I was able to take my kids with me when I needed.  But my boss said that I could no longer bring them (and I needed to find childcare for them the next week.)  So I had to quit my job.  Well, financially speaking, we are in terrible shape and really needed that extra income.  By nature, I am a type A personality always in control, a planner and a fixer who can take care of anything that comes my way.  At this point, I know I can't take care of everything on my own.  I am expecting another baby in 3 months so I won't be able to find another job.  We were really hoping to save over the next three months for the summer...and then I would start my part time work again.  We also have to find another place to live in an area that is known for a high cost of living...no, the market has not caught up here.  To top it off, my four year old has to have dental surgery...our cost is $958 after the dental insurance pays their portion which is due in two weeks.

Needless to say, I am in panic mode!  I thought for sure that everything was going to work out all right.  I had made plans for everything to be perfect.  Well, life is what happens when you make plans!  I am sure that God is testing me, refining me to make me a better person.  He also wants me to surrender and rely on Him.  But here is the thing: I have a really hard time relying on anyone.  My early years were terrible, and I pretty much had to take care of myself.  I didn't know the Lord until I was 21 years old.  Even though I came into a personal relationship with Him, I continued to do everything on my own and in my timing, never waiting or listening to Him.  Naturally, this is a very difficult situation for me.  I know that I need to completely trust in Jesus to take care of our family.  I know that he will supply all of our needs.  But I still have that natural instinct to take control. 

My pastor is currently preaching through the book of James.  I can't believe the timing and how it fits right into my own life at this very moment.  Every pore of my being desperately desires to "count it all joy when I meet trials of various kinds."  Oh, but how difficult it is.  Counting my blessings is the only way that I have found that I can actually have joy. 

God has truly blessed me in that I am able to be at home with these three little girls.  What an amazing opportunity that I have been given...oh how I long to disciple them and train them to love and obey God from the beginning rather than suffering years of heartache from disobedience.  I pray that I can stand up to the testing.  The refining fire hurts for the moment but will polish up my impurities once I have persevered through it. 

My most difficult task at hand is not allowing myself to sink into self-pity.  I struggle with depression and have for many years...and it would be so easy to revert to that deep, dark, and lonely place.  Then I allow anger and bitterness to control my life.  It is a cycle that I certainly don't want to spin on anytime soon.  So, I will keep myself in the Word and on my knees in prayer.  Closeness with God keeps the devil from getting too close...but it is a challenge for me to trust Him.  Did I mention that I have serious trust issues?  In my heart I also know that He wants so much more for me than to be tossed around like a rag doll.  But I have to be willing to give up that little tiny thing called control. 

So where do I go from here?